Have you noticed how nearly everyone frames their interpretation of a situation with words that reinforce and validate their point of view?  If you want an extreme example, watch MSNBC cover a story on a topic they are supportive of and then watch Fox News cover the same story—with the same relevant information available to both reporters (minimum wage increases would be a great example). The use of language to frame and support a point of view is striking—making the speakers’ perspective come across as it-is-so-obvious-it-must-be right to the listener.

I’ve watched the same behavior happen in teams—or what should be teams.  It would seem completely rational and desirable that everyone inside a business would think of themselves as “on the same team”—after all, if an organization is fighting within itself, it’s wasting energy that could be used to improve. Too often, that’s not the way it works. Instead, one function or another in the company blames the other, passively denies needed information and even actively sabotages another function—thinking somehow that this is the right thing to do—“we’ll show them!” kind of thinking.

I was leading the HR/People function in a business in which the Chief Marketing Officer and Chief Operating Officer were actively “at war” with each other.  The Marketing team was essentially responsible for defining our product and services and Operations delivered them. It was impossible for the business to fully perform without those groups working together. But these two leaders weren’t talking much to each other.  At least one of them would send “emissaries” with bad news/problems to the other—sometimes when it was too late to do much about it except get really, really frustrated.  Joint planning and problem solving sessions were almost never held between the teams.  One of them even decided to hold a separate holiday party and not participate in a company-wide event so their teams wouldn’t socialize!

Who paid the price? Customers in the form of poor execution by the business. Investors in missed opportunities for both revenue and lower costs/higher margins. And their people—who couldn’t truly do their jobs, learn and grow without working more closely as one team.

What drove all that bad behavior? Three words that don’t help when everyone is supposed to be on the same team: I, Me, and Mine.

In that case, I, Me and Mine, were the people inside the teams led by two C-level leaders.  The “us” was “my” people and the “them” was the other leader’s people in the same business.  Problem—the real team was the ENTIRE business. No function took care of a customer, generated revenue or produced earnings by itself. That ONLY happened when the whole team, everyone in the business, worked together.

What are the three powerful words that were missing from these two leaders every day conversations?  WE, US, and OURS.  Those three words weren’t heard much at all—unless they were being used in the “royal” sense to really refer to “mine”.

I met with each leader and shared what I’d heard from their own people—and how frustrated their people were with “the war” between them. No finger pointing or blame—simply shining a bright light on something they both knew was true—but were ignoring by letting it stay in the shadows.  Both of the senior leaders acknowledged it was going on. I asked each of them individually: Do you think the way we working today is effective?  Who is the WE in our business—who exactly is on OUR team? Is the current state helping or hurting OUR business? What should WE do about it?

When the bright light came on, each leader owned their personal contribution to the problem—and both said they wanted to change.  I didn’t have to ask them to change—it was apparent as soon as it came out in the open.  The three of us met together to talk about the issues and clear the air—not with finger pointing—but with personal accountability.  Together, we defined expected behaviors and committed to them, including what WE needed and would give each other.  Then WE built some new cross-functional teams and processes and put them in place—along with shared ownership of key metrics that everyone influenced.

What happened? Just what you’d expect—better teamwork, improved execution to our customers, and a foundation of trust and communication for bigger changes to come.  All of that started with recognizing that those three words—WE, US and OURS—included EVERYONE in the business—and that the only “them” had to be our competitors who were trying to take our customers away from us.  The us and them inside our business was hurting us—and helping our competition.

That’s an example of the big power of WE, US and OURS and is true for every shared effort. The more we as leaders create a culture of WE, starting with our own behavior as the standard for all to see, the better our people will work together. That’s a key element in getting your competitors customers to leave THEM and bring their dollars to US!

If you have I, me and mine or their evil cousins, us and them, living inside your business—drive a stake through their hearts.  All groups of people work better when they work together.  That starts with the example leaders set and it shows up in the words they use every day.